Season 2 Episode 4

Hi, I'm Alex. And I'm Brenda. Welcome to Conversational Counseling where counseling and discipleship meet. Sometimes we're very quick to take up an offense because we wanna make sure that we don't experience that hurt again, as a really, fear is driving us to confrontation. More than love is the great thing.

Sin and confrontation is every time it happens and forgiveness is received and granted, it is a gospel explosion. This is episode four of our second season and we've called it, it's bigger than forgiveness and um, I think we've proven that there's more to forgiveness and meets. C I as we've slowly gone through, um, several steps in forgiveness.

Today we're gonna talk about overlooking or confronting an offense, but maybe you could tell us how we got here, Brenda. Yeah, cuz really we are right in the middle and we've been talking a lot about the vertical aspects of preparing our heart, preparing our mind. Getting in an at of the right attitude and resisting the sinful attitudes that can come when we're having to deal with the sin of other people.

And so some of the things that we've just been looking at and, you know, I would say go back and listen to the other podcast and we do have a handout, um, that, you know, has these in the order with the scripture proofs as well. But we first of all need to remember that all forgiveness starts with God.

Mm-hmm. Are we, we receive forgiveness from him first, and that's how we even are able to, um, be conduits of forgiveness. But God is also the one that has established forgiveness, the parameters of forgiveness, why we need forgiveness, and all of that. We covered in, um, episode one, and then in episode two we really talked about the need to remember.

That forgiveness is a, uh, an event, but it's also a process. And so as we are, uh, remembering our own sins and the debt that really keeps accruing with the Lord, it keeps us humble. It keeps us grateful for the ongoing forgiveness that we have with him. And, um, and then we can begin to look at our neighbor with a lot more forbearance and long suffering and patience and endurance as we have to, you know, be, be with centers all the time as a center.

And then last episode, we talked about this idea. East, which is really guarding our hearts against bitterness. Mm-hmm. That in release, um, admitting that there's been pain, that there's been a cost to what, you know, there's been a debt there. This is what happens when we sin against one another. We create a debt.

So something has been lost and it's been painful, but in release we really talked a lot about, rather than, um, nurturing that grudge and thinking about it, how we were releasing it to the Lord. We could take our pain, we could take our loss to the Lord, and we could keep our hearts in a soft place. Before the Lord.

So should that person repent, we would be willing to receive them. Yeah. And these steps are pretty inward. We said they're very reflective. They're before God. And um, and today we're gonna talk about how we may choose to move outward into the relationship with another person. But before we do, we're gonna state the inward part and we're gonna talk about how we overlook the offense.

This is when we're choosing not to bring it to the other person. I know it's kind of interesting cuz it's an inward outward. Mm-hmm. Like it. Definite choice that we are going to not dwell on the offense. And it's a choice that we're not even going to address the offense. We're gonna cover it in love. But the point we also want to make is it's not the same as avoiding and stuffing.

Yes. Because that's gonna cycle us right back around to be tempted to be bitter. Yeah. And so that's not what we mean when we say that we should overlook an offense. Um, so let's just talk a little bit about when should we overlook an. I think we first think about overlooking offense when we really wanna consider what the circumstances the other person is in when they have sinned against us.

And so, um, this one's important to me because I remember in years of pain, there are a lot of days that I was gritting my teeth through the pain to get through, raising small children, taking care of home, all those things. And I know my tone was impatient. It was testy. Sometimes even harsh. And I remember saying many times to Mason, like, why do you never rebuke me for my harshness or my impatience with you?

And he, and he would just really graciously say like, I know if your, if your tone is that way, it is because you're in a lot of pain and he's really considering the circumstances surrounding that is. The end of the day, he's getting home from work. I'm impatient, I'm, I'm even harsh. And he was willing to overlook those offenses because he understood mm-hmm.

The pain that I was in. Wow, that's so good. I think we can, um, kind of goes back to oftentimes we make rash and snap judgements about people. Mm-hmm. And then we deal with them ungraciously. Right. If we would sort of take a step back and say, what is this person characterized by what's going on? Um, you know, in their circumstances, then I think we could find a lot of things we would be willing to overlook.

I think the. Time that we can overlook is if we really understand someone's story. Yeah. Um, you know, so often when we know that somebody is working to confront sinful patterns in behavior, they're struggling to do so, um, you know, we don't have to rush in and play that Junior Holy Spirit to continue to be on them.

Like we can give them some grace to grow. And some space to grow. Um, and, and we can do that because we, we see that they are really trying. They, maybe they're coming to us more quickly. They're at least recognizing their sinfulness more quickly, or they're coming and asking forgiveness more quickly. And so we wanna encourage that in them.

Mm-hmm. And not discourage it. Exactly. Yeah. We don't want to exasperate somebody when they're working hard in a specific area of their life by continuing to bring it up in front of them, especially when we see that awareness. And then, um, we wanna just overlook whenever we can. Like to overlook an offense is to really cover and love.

And so we wanna make sure that, um, that this becomes a natural part of relationship one, if we confronted everything, wouldn't it be so exhausting? It would be so discouraging. It would be so discouraging. It would be so exhausting. It would be so taxing on the relationship and certainly not the freedom that we're talking about living when we can forgive and release and truly overlook an offense.

So we wanna overlook, um, whenever we can and. That stepping on toes bumping up against each other, um, is going to be part of just the natural part of sinner in relationship with one another. Yeah. And I just think about, you know, the analogy of dancing is a good one. If you, um, have ever taken dance lessons, then you realize to begin with, there's a lot of stepping on each other's toes.

Mm-hmm. But as you get in a rhythm, And you kind of can let go and have some freedom in that. Then you're not stepping, it's like you've got this beautiful dance going. You're not stepping on each other's toes as much. And I think we just have to realize oftentimes early in relationships, early in marriage, when we have young children, when we're still spiritually immature in a lot of ways, there are gonna be a lot more times.

Um, that we are gonna step on people's toes. And I think Alex, you know, we live in a society right now. It just seems like everybody's easily offended. Oh my. Mm-hmm. You know, and I just wonder even as a, as a church culture mm-hmm. If we could learn to overlook more. Yeah. And it seems like we don't just take up our own offense, we take up other people's offenses.

We identify more with, you know, groups and things like that. We kind of encamp ourselves and we take up offenses of different groups that we're a part of. And it really does seem like a culture where if we are not offended, something's wrong with us and it really should be the other way around. Right?

Yeah, yeah, you're right. Particularly in God's kingdom. Mm-hmm. He should really be very opposite of that. So why do you think it just, uh, makes it so hard to overlook, um, an offense? Well, because we, in relationship with people, our toes do get stepped on and we feel heard and we feel judged. We feel misunderstood.

Um, and we feel fearful of that continuing to happen. And so I think sometimes we're very quick to take up an offense because we wanna make sure that we don't experience that hurt again. And so really fear is driving us to confrontation more than love. Yeah, I think that's a really great point. And you know, I think one of the things we have to distinguish as well is like, how do we know that we've really overlooked mm-hmm.

As opposed to, um, we are just avoiding and stuffing. Yeah. Yeah. And I think, you know, the biggest thing is, is we look at the fruit, what's going on in our own hearts and what's going on. In the relationship. Um, if you are truly overlooking, you're not going to have that great bitterness memory and just nurse that grudge and be thinking about it over and over again.

And also, you know, your, your, your level of pain, um, and frustration isn't going to continue to increase. It'll actually begin to decrease. Right? And so I think that's some good ways for us to say like, is this something I need to overlook or. Do I really need to be moving more toward having a conversation about this?

Right? So we recognize in our last episode that these things take time. So there is a time element involved here, but we do wanna see change over time and that the trajectory of change is gonna be that, that there is a lessening of the, um, feeling of. Of having a grudge of feeling of pain and frustration.

And so, um, that would tell us that we really are dealing with it. We're, we're making it a matter of prayer and we're not just nursing it. Yeah, I think that's just really key. So now we really come to this idea of confrontation. Mm. Which either people love it or they hate it. Yeah. Because you're gonna be on one street extreme or another a lot of the times, or have a leaning like, yeah, I don't mind, I'd tell you anything, or I'm not telling you nothing.

Um, and we wanna take, we always talk about those two ditches that we tend to fall into, like high truth or high love, which we would call kind of, you know, I'm really can confront easily or I'm just gonna overlook everything and not confront anything. And we need to de, we need to really discern what is the gospel road.

And I, and I think that, you know, that's really, I what I, one thing I wanna say is this is gonna requires we move through this a lot of wisdom Yes. And humility. Mm-hmm. But it takes a lot of wisdom. To, to really evaluate, is this something I need to overlook? Is this something that I need to confront? But one of the ways that we can know if confronting is the wisdom call is, does it increase a greater love for God?

And is it a demonstration of a greater love for our neighbor? Yeah. That's really hard cuz in the moment it doesn't feel like either. So it has to be really, I mean, is it, it's not gonna be based on how we feel. No. But are we, um, are we showing, are we acting in accordance with what scripture calls love of God a neighbor?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And this is really how we, we do work out the gospel in relationships, and I like to say that every time, I mean, the great thing about sin and confrontation is every time it happens and forgiveness is received in granted, it is a gospel explosion. Mm-hmm. Like it is the gospel coming over. And over and over and over again.

And I think it's so interesting. In my own life, I want to avoid confrontation cuz I'm definitely more, uh, an avoider. And yet when I really think about like in the process of going to someone and having an honest conversation and bringing about understanding and wanting to see the advancement of the gospel in their life by helping to remove sin from their life and encourage them and confront them, that I'm really, it.

It's, it's. It's just a gospel explosion moment where I get to experience the love of God for me in Christ, and the other person gets to experience that. And we get to have that even incarnation kind of aspect, um, of, of working through that idea of forgiveness. Okay. So that begs the question then, because if this is a gospel explosion, why do we not wanna confront, why wouldn't we all want gospel explosions?

I know, I mean, that's the thing I bring myself back to. Mm-hmm. I think we just don't believe that. Mm-hmm. And, um, we don't wanna. One another. I think because a lot of it for me is just fear. I fear the reaction of other people. Mm-hmm. I don't want you to not like me. You know, I'm a recovering people pleaser, and so really I want everybody to think I'm the nicest person.

Right. And confrontation or telling you something. Um, That needs to be brought up. You might not like me so much. Mm-hmm. You might not think I'm the nicest person in the world anymore. And so for me, a lot of times I will, uh, shrink back because really I, if I'm really being honest, it's more about me than you.

There's a lot of selfishness in that, right? Mm-hmm. It's like, what am I afraid of? I'm afraid you are gonna be mad at me. Mm-hmm. Now, if I really wanted to, The heart of the gospel in your life and in your heart and your behavior and desires, then I would go to, you die to my fear, go to you in love and speak the truth in love as opposed to just being, you know, paralyzed because you might not like me.

Yeah, and I think what goes hand in hand with that is this, the other discomfort of, um, confronting is this idea of like, I want a sh shame message that kind of goes on repeat in my head is like, who do you think you are? Yeah. Why do you think you have the right to do that? Why? You know, so, and that ends up paralyzing me from confronting because I'll just begin to rehearse my own sinfulness out of a sense of shame, and that's just uncomfortable.

And so I don't wanna move into someone else's brokenness because I really can't get past my own. Yeah. Well, and then I think there's a really, a legitimate fear, and that is you don't always know how somebody else is gonna respond. Right. You could go as gently and as humbly and as wisely as you possibly can, and the person could still explode.

Mm-hmm. Or still be really angry at you or not wanna talk to you, you know, punish you in some way. And so, um, there's a cost. And there's a risk, right? In moving out in love and getting over your uncomfortable, getting over your fear. Um, yeah. And, and really saying, I'm gonna love this person and I'm going to leave the results to God.

Yeah. And we all have had these confrontations that have gone. Bad badly. Yeah. And so we, you know, we're, we're kind of quick to remember the ones that didn't turn out the way we wanted them to, and then convince ourselves either that we're not good at it so we shouldn't do it. Yeah. Or it's just not worth it.

Like you said, this is just too painful, this is risking too much. And so in that way, I really think confrontation gets a bad rap. Mm-hmm. Uh, one, I think confrontation gets a bad rap because there's this, even the word has become really heavy. Mm-hmm. Like, I'm gonna confront somebody, you know? Mm-hmm. Like, it's just feels very heavy, very, um, hard hitting, so to speak.

Mm-hmm. And so I, I really have tried to change over the last three years and beginning to think of confrontation more as an invitation to someone and what we're the inviting them to is not to say, Hey, I invite you to agree with. Yeah. Like I invite you to see this, the way I see it, I invite you to believe what I believe.

But what we're really saying is I'm inviting you to agree with God. Mm-hmm. About what's happening here about your behavior, your attitude, whatever's going on. And so we, um, if we can move into confrontation in a different way than we have before, where we think of it as really just knocking someone upside the head and telling them exactly what we think and we think of it more as an invitation into.

Invitation into what God has called us to is right behavior between image bears. I hope it changes how we enter into confrontation. Yeah, I like that. Cause I think so often, um, and this is why it's really important to define why we need forgiveness. It's for sin. And God defines what sin is. It's the things that we don't do that he commands us to do or the things.

Do do that he didn't command anyhow. You know what I'm saying? The extensive commission and no mission, however that goes, always get, get that backwards. But um, yeah, I just think that so often when we confront people, if we're going and the offense is just, I don't like this. Mm-hmm. And it's not out of a heart of like, You're not obeying the Lord and this is going to hurt you.

Mm-hmm. And you hurt your walk with the Lord and hurt other people and hurt our relationship. Then we begin just to want to confront people, to make them into our image. Right. And we want it to, and it really becomes selfish again. It becomes about us. Mm-hmm. And so I love that idea of an invitation, not into what I think is wrong, but what God has said is wrong.

And I love you. You know, the wounds of a friend are better than the kiss of an enemy that I do love you enough. That I will come and have the hard conversation with you. And I know, I don't think any of us enjoys being on the receiving end of that. I mean, people have come and confronted me so gently.

Mm-hmm. And in my pride, I have, you know, at times just resisted that. But I, but I always think when I look back and I think, wow, that was costly for that person to come and how there might just, just been these key moments that somebody came and they confronted me and how. Just tweaked my relationship with the Lord helped me see something that I was missing, helped me relate to somebody in a more loving way.

Like it, it was, it was that gospel explosion of really understanding that God has forgiven me and that he wants to change me. And we really have to understand that part of the, you know, one of the biggest ways that God changes us is as we come and we confess our sins one to another. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's a huge part of.

Yeah, I think that's why the gospel Galatians six just cause us to gentleness specifically when we're talking about confronting or trying, seeking to restore someone. Mm-hmm. And then we think about this, um, beautiful verse in first less Ians five 14. We're talking about all different types of people and we're gonna consider the type of person.

That we're talking to. That's what mm-hmm. Um, Paul is reminding us of, are we dealing with someone who's rebellious? Are we dealing with someone who's fainthearted? Are we dealing with someone who's weak? And then at the end it says, and with everybody, we're gonna be loving, we're gonna be patient long suffering with them.

And so no matter, uh, who we're dealing with, we wanna consider where the person is and we want to change the way we approach them based on what we're discerning, what the Holy Spirit is showing us about. Where that person stands. Yeah. We just can look at Jesus' example. He did not confront, you know, the, the leadership, the Pharisees, the same way he did the woman at the well.

Mm-hmm. He's very different. If we can look at his approach of confrontation where there were those rebellious stick neck. Stiff necked people, you know, he was much more direct. Mm-hmm. But where there was somebody who just didn't know mm-hmm. He was much more gentle or where he saw somebody struggling, you know, he, you know, to think the man whose son needs to be healed, Lord, help my unbelief.

Mm-hmm. You know, we can just see Jesus' interactions with people and, and even in, I think the firm rebukes his motivation, you know, is love. Like he's always calling people to repentance. At every juncture, it just looks a little different of how he might go about doing that. But it doesn't look different because of how he feels.

It looks different because of how they, where they are. Mm-hmm. You know? And so I think that's really important for us. Yeah. And what I see in that admonition from Paul is that we really are gonna have to do, of course Jesus did it perfectly, but we are gonna have to really seek to be like him in the, in the way that we, um, again, go back to this idea of really understanding another person's circumstance.

Like I. I don't wanna confront someone until I really understand some of the complexity of who they are, what their story is, and then love compels me to it instead of anger. Mm-hmm. Instead of revenge seeking, like mm-hmm. And so when I've really walked in the complexity of, of what their story is. Um, as much as I can, sometimes we're, we're doing this, you know?

Mm-hmm. Um, and, and we're having to do it quickly, but as much as I can really seeking to understand who they are, where they're coming from, we're taking on, um, I think we'll approach them differently. I think our heart will be different. I think it will not be a hard hitting confrontation. And I think about, I was thinking about the rich young ruler when you were talking earlier, that Jesus looked on him with love.

Mm-hmm. Then he spoke really directly and plainly to him. Mm. And the rich young ruler went away sad. Like if you could, if you could grade the confrontation in terms of the results. Yeah. It didn't go really well. Yeah. He didn't immediately repent, but Jesus was at, you know, we see that, that the gospel writer reminds us that before Jesus spoke, there's this connection to love.

Mm-hmm. In his heart for this man, and then he speaks. Yeah. And it's like Jesus, you know, had a toolbox and he carried around a lot of tools in that toolbox, not just a hammer. Mm-hmm. That's right. And I think, um, you know, for a lot of Christians, the, the hammer, uh, might be the thing that they bring out. And, and for others, you know, they don't even really want to pick up the toolbox.

Mm-hmm. You know, they just wanna avoid it all together. So. We, we have to be willing to step into these hard places, but I think going slow, doing all the work that we've said up until this podcast and, uh, going with the motivation of love is gonna be really important. And, you know, to the idea of toolboxes, you know, for the longest time, for me, the only tool in my toolbox was called direct confrontation, which is really, I think at the hammer.

I mean, it's just a, you know, you've sinned. Mm-hmm. You know, kind of statement. And so it is really been over the. Several years in counseling, um, sitting with people for a long time and really beginning to understand that there is direct confrontation, maybe even be the least effective tool we have in the toolbox.

Mm-hmm. That there are much more intricate tools. And so instruments in the Redeemer's Hands is a book we love by Paul Tripp. Mm-hmm. And he talks about indirect confrontation and that's revolution. Things for me because it was like, there are ways to come in gently. There are ways to come in through the back door.

There are ways to come in with, um, softer mm-hmm. Methodology and tools mm-hmm. That are more winsome and more able to win. Someone more able to invite someone in to what God is calling them to. So what I'm thinking about is like, Um, there have been times where you can remember this, I'm sure Brenda like you, there were years when you were home with children and your husband's coming in from work and there's a little bit of a clash of worlds mm-hmm.

In that moment. Mm-hmm. And I'm thinking like, I remember, you know, I've had like a certain system all day, or he doesn't know that we've had a certain schedule and certain, certain things are on a certain pace or maybe there's some punishment and consequences going on. And Mason comes in and kind of begins to, um, to make decisions without consulting me.

He's not, he's not thinking through what he's entering into. And so one of the. Ways. I remember finally sitting down and I was just getting frustrated and frustrated and frustrated, and I was like, I just don't even think he's considering us, considering me and what my day's been like that he's coming into.

And so just being able to give him an analogy. And one, I, one day I remember like the Lord just drop this picture in my mind and I said, Mason, how would it feel if you have your own? Employees that you're working with and you've got this whole system laid out and I come onto the lumber yard there and I just start undoing it.

Like I should start telling 'em, no, we're not gonna do that this way. Hey, how about we do this? And I just start dismantling the system that you've created over time. Just, I want you to connect with how that feels to me right now, and then be able to say, that's what I feel like's happening here. Mm-hmm.

Like, I feel like you're not considering what you're walking into and you're just kind of changing. Mm-hmm. The dynamic here without, without. You know mm-hmm. Asking or having any conversation and it just became a way to connect him emotionally mm-hmm. To what I was experiencing. Yeah. And it was easier than just saying, you are so rude.

You love is not rude mason, and you are being rude. You know? Yeah. Just so much different than the direct confrontation that I was used to of being able to have to, to give him an analogy that connected him to what my experience was. Yeah. And I just would see that as, um, helping someone put themselves in your shoes.

Mm-hmm. And I think that does take some skill and some time to think about, but that is very effective. And um, that's really what, um, we think about Nathan did with David. God, Nathan goes with a story, right? He's going to the king, a very powerful man. He could have just gone in, I mean, the evidence was there, you know, Bathsheba, you took her and you killed her husband.

And I mean, this is just a horrendous sin. Um, and. Two things I really love about the Nathan and David story. One is when God sent David a prophet, he sent him a friend. Mm. And you know, one thing we touched on but maybe haven't said directly in that is, Con biblical confrontation or coming alongside someone to work through their sin with them is best done in a trusting relationship, right?

Mm-hmm. And, um, and you know, as a counselor it's a little bit different because somebody actually is inviting us in without the relationship. Mm-hmm. And sometimes in discipling situations, somebody may call you and want to go, you know, have lunch with you or get coffee with you, and. And without a relationship, they begin to open up and invite you in and you see sin, and so you can kind of walk in that space.

Um, but for a lot of us, um, you know, the, the people that we are having the most confrontation with are gonna be the people that we are in the closest proximity to and the closest relationships with. But relationship doesn't always equal friendship. And so I just think, I just love this idea that God could have sent David just a prophet.

Mm-hmm. And just somebody was like, dude, you're. And you're in trouble. Mm-hmm. But he sends this friend and, um, and how much sweeter it must have been. But he also was very wise to go with that illustration and to help David put himself in somebody else's shoes. Right. Um, really even a third party. Mm-hmm.

So we can do sort of a first person. Kind of walking in your shoes, you can do a third person. But obviously it was really, really effective. And it's exactly what you said. It was like, it wasn't just even facts anymore, it was like connecting emotionally. Like that makes me irate. Mm-hmm. And I'm gonna deal with that guy, you know, that took that little UAM and um, when, you know, when he was rich and he had all these other stuff that he could have.

So I think that's just a really good Ill, I think these are really good points of just thinking how to have a conversation that's confrontational without being. Confrontational. Yeah. And then I, what it makes me think, Brenda, is that there are times when we are not sure what is happening in the relationship.

And so we feel like, um, we're hurt. Mm-hmm. We feel offended and we believe there could be some there, but maybe we're not sure, and it's just not cut and dry. And so I think, again, indirect confrontation and maybe you would, you. I, I maybe, uh, for grabs of weather, this is even considered confrontation, but we have a discussion.

Yeah. And we begin to ask questions, and we begin to try to discern and understand what's happening here, because I, I know I'm, I know I'm hurt. Mm-hmm. But like we said before, but I can't really discern is this really is. Send. Mm-hmm. And something that you need to repent of, or is it something that I actually need to repent of?

Mm-hmm. And so we ask questions or one tool that I love using, I especially love giving it to couples, but I think it works in all relationships, is this, um, tool that Brene Brown uses to enter into a discussion and say, the story I'm telling myself is, mm. The story I'm telling myself is that you're being harsh with me, or the story I'm telling myself is that you're really not understanding what, um, my situation is.

And so in doing that, you're sinning against me. And so it becomes a conversation starter that we don't jump into confrontation before it's warranted. We leave space open for us to explore together. Mm-hmm. You know what God is inviting us both to, because this how we treat image bears goes both ways.

Mm-hmm. We're dealing with two image bearers here, so we're entering into a conversation and saying, the story I'm telling myself is this, can you tell me what's going on with you? Mm-hmm. What's happening? That I would tell myself that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's so good because I know in my own life I have. Come to realize in those kind of conversations that sometimes I have just made so many judgements mm-hmm.

Against the person very quickly. Either they're not biblical judgements, like I've, I'm calling something sin that's not sin. Or, um, I've just, you know, gone to a lot of conclusions, played this out, so now I'm even operating in fear because it's not what's happening now, it's what I think is going to happen or how this is going to turn out.

And so I think. To your point, those kind of discussions, um, that let us open up in a vulnerable sort of way. Like, I love that the story I'm telling myself is this, that really, that really invites you into my vulnerability. Mm-hmm. Which hopefully will open you up and make you more vulnerable about what's going on in your own heart.

And then hopefully if we're both being vulnerable and honest, then we can come to some agreement about, Hey, what's a misunderstanding? Where did I sin against you? Where did you sin against me? And we can begin to move forward in the relationship. Yeah. I think it helps us avoid accusation. And I think it helps us avoid judging another's motive when we can't see it.

I'm thinking of something really as simple as like, you and I have plans and you've canceled 'em now three times in a row. Mm-hmm. And I just say, Brenda, the story I'm telling myself here is like, our relationship isn't very important that you, um, that you don't value me as your friend and that you, um, you're not even considering me to the point that you would cancel.

This many times and it just opens up and gives you the opportunity to say, okay, can I just tell you what's been going on with me? Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. As a stomach bug or, you know, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so good. One of my coworkers is really good at this, and there's been several occasions where, particularly in text messages Yeah.

You know, there's been so, yeah. So bad to try to. Solve things. Yes. Um, on texting, because you can't really, you know, you can't see somebody, you can't hear somebody. But I And you have no idea what's going on in their world when you're Exactly. When they're, yeah. You're really operating in the dark completely as a blind person.

Mm-hmm. And so she's just been really, really good to like, come back with those kind of questions. Like, Hey, I feel like this could be going on. The story I'm telling myself is, um, I just want to know. And it's been so good because. Every time she's done that, it's been like, no, there's, there's nothing here.

Right. Like, we are good. We are right. You know, and it, but it, what has also done is allowed me, if something is up, it makes it a lot easier for me to say, well, in fact, I really believe you did sin against me. Mm-hmm. Which then again, that she's kind of inviting me into. You know, her, her inner world to do some inspection and to speak into that.

If something, if she really has, does something mm-hmm. That has, you know, upset me or sin against me in some way. So we really see that the scripture teaches there's a time to confront sin, and that is if our brother sins against us or if we sin against our brother. It works both ways. And I love that picture.

I think we, I'm sure you've heard it like that means that if, if I sin against you or you sin against me, we would meet each other and then we would come towards each other. Yes. And, um, ideally willingness to, it should be two of us running Right. To meet each other very, very quickly. Yes. And if not, then we could just say the one that knows goes right.

Because sometimes you might not, I might not realize that I've sinn against you. Right. And so I may have to, to come to you, you know, to say, Hey, I sin against you, or, you know, it's just that whole idea that we, it, it would just be so beautiful if we would run together. But if not, then the person who cannot overlook and is being bothered is gonna have to go.

Yeah. So we started off talking about overlooking an offense. We've moved into confrontation. So when do we know that it's time to confront and not just continue to overlook? You know, I think one of the times, um, there's at least three times that we could say this should happen, but one of the times is when the sin is too damaging to ignore.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And there are just some sins, um, you know, that. Are so damaging to the name and honor of Christ and so damaging to a relationship. You know, I think about things like adultery or abuse. I mean, they're, they're destructive. Mm-hmm. In nature, and so we cannot not, um, Have some sort of confrontation at some time.

And I know with some of the more destructive sins we're gonna talk about, like when we shouldn't confront, but you know, when, when things are really damaging and we can see that the people are being hurt and the name of God is being hurt, then we really need to go. Yeah. So that's the severity, but then also the frequency.

So if, if a sin is habitual and we, we really don't see it being addressed, we talk about it's, it's wise and it's loving to overlook when we. Someone sees a habitual pattern and they're working on it. Mm-hmm. We wanna make sure that we're not discouraging them in their pursuit of, um, repentance. But by the same token, if we don't see that pursuit of repentance and we see habituals, and then we're gonna have to move in and discuss that with them.

Mm-hmm. And, and also just when sin is habitual and not being addressed. You know, we talked about when to overlook there and we've been talking a lot about. The idea of forbearance or patience. But there does come a point where somebody is continually to sin. Maybe it's not a heinous sin, maybe it's not a really damaging sin.

It's almost like just the drip, drip, drip of the faucet. Um, but over time, it's going to be damaging to their walk with the Lord and it's gonna be damaging to other relationships. And so again, we're not seeing them really work on it. Maybe they're not, they don't even. Know that it's happening, right? And so I think we have a responsibility to go and to have a conversation.

And I would say the last thing is that we can't over when we recognize that we cannot overlook it, but in our best efforts to release it to the Lord and entrust it to him, that we are recognizing that we, we just aren't able to do it. And so it warrants a conversation because it is the way that we, um, try to.

Um, guard against bitterness and make sure that we're not moving into bitterness is that we have to move into a place of vulnerability and let somebody know that they have hurt us. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's really good. Well, there are some times that we would not want to confront. Mm-hmm. And, um, and I think, you know, just as.

Just this is not the same as overlooking. Yes. You know, we've talked about, um, this is actual an intentional time that we would say it's not, and we, and we talked about this whole idea of overlooking and confronting is a wisdom call. Mm-hmm. So this is a time now that we have to really walk in wisdom to say, When would it not be advisable to confront someone?

Yeah. And I think that really comes down to cases of abuse where we recognize that a person is not safe, um, to confront. It's either gonna endanger yourself or someone else to confront them. And at that point, um, there may be even time that you go to another. Authority, church authority or civil authority, um, especially if there's abuse that you're involving civil authorities and experts in that area, but that we recognize that there are times when it is not safe to confront someone and we bring other people into it, and we choose not to do that on our own.

And we're really gonna cover that more in our next. Two episodes when we really talk about reconciliation and restoration, because there are gonna be times when we cannot reconcile and restore relationship. And, um, and this goes hand in hand with, if someone's not safe to confront, then it's gonna be really difficult to reconcile with them and restore.

And so again, we're gonna, we're moving in. This is bigger than forgiveness is what we said. And so we're taking on, we're looking at this area of forgiveness from all different angles and recognizing, mm-hmm. There's a lot of complexity in relationships. There are a lot of nuances here, and so there are gonna be times when, even when we know that someone is caught in sin, we choose not to confront them on our own.

Yeah. And I just wanna make a plug for our superpowers right here. Mm-hmm. Because we just have to keep coming back to the things that we know are true. Like God has given us his word and his word is going to direct us as we move forward in our relationship with other people. And, um, you know, how we even confront people, our, our theology, if you will, what we believe about forgiveness and, and, um, the issues of overlooking and, um, confronting, but also the method in which we do.

And Alex, you know, we received the spirit of God when we first received forgiveness from the Lord. Mm-hmm. And I think it's just really important to remember that the spirit of God that lives in us is the, is the person who's going to give us the wisdom and the discernment to know when do we need to overlook.

When do we need to confront? What, what tool do we need to take to that confrontation, right? How do we need to do it? How can we even, you know, especially pray and ask the Lord to prepare the heart of the person we're going to talk to, uh, particularly if it's another Christian that we can really pray the spirit will be working there.

If it's not a Christian, we can still pray the spirit, we'll be working there. So either way, we wanna be really prayerful in that. And spirit led and spirit dependent on whatever the outcome's gonna be, that God is in that, that we are just called to be faithful and obedient to our part of the process.

And then the final thing I think we need to remember is our third superpowers. We have other spirit-filled believers we can go to. Sometimes this is so. Difficult to really discern or have the wisdom to know how to move forward. Mm-hmm. And this is why we, we all need a few people in our life, um, who we know, love the Lord, love his word, are dependent on his spirit, and really desire to see us grow and to be the conduits of mercy and grace that God has made us to be.

And that those people are people that we can go to and have these conversations with that can help us walk through some of these. Difficult and different relational conflict. Now we're gonna need to be, continue to be reminded of these superpowers as we move into the next two episodes about reconciliation and restoration.

And I'm thinking, Brenda, that we've been through some really heavy stuff in this episode of overlooking and Confronting. It's. Difficult. Uh, it's difficult to do. It's difficult to discern. And yet, um, there is a beauty that comes when we're obedient to the Lord in these matters. Mm-hmm. And there's a beauty also that we're gonna really get to experience and see as we talk about reconciliation and restoration, that there is, it is more than just forgiveness.

It's bigger than just. This, the whole picture and to talk about these next two areas. I hope it's gonna be maybe a little bit more of the redemptive part of forgiveness and more of the beauty that we get to see in relationship. And of course we will consider when there are times when we don't reconcile, when we don't.

Restore. But, um, we just invite you to our next two episodes on reconciliation and restoration