Season 2 Episode 3

Hi, I'm Alex. And I'm Brenda. Welcome to conversational Counseling where counseling and discipleship meet.

Really you think about bitterness is the antigo. It's gonna be the poison pill we swallow that makes us toxic to others. It's us doing business within our own heart so that we are willing to receive the person if they do acknowledge their sin and become.

Okay, season two, it's bigger than forgiveness, and this is episode three where we're talking about release. And so we have already covered receive where we start with God and we receive the pardon that we have in Christ. And then we talked about, remember where we continue on with God in remembering his goodness to us in the midst of our sinfulness, so that we can bend it down to people around us.

And as I was thinking about this, like the receive part, there's just, of course there's a focus on God, cuz God is always our starting place, but there's this real focus on God and then in remembering there's kind of a little bit of the focus of us with God, you know, as we're moving forward. But I think in this releasing is when we really begin to think about.

The other person who's offended us, and this is where the rubber really begins to meet the road. And so I think I would just encourage folks listening to pick a person from here forward. Gone to Medland, gone to medland, the application here. But I think if we can begin to put this in some real practical terms, it will make more sense as we move through.

Um, and we know with application we'll, Become greater memorization or ability to, um, integrate this teaching into our lives. So, um, I've got a person, I know that as I've been walking through this, we began and I think you've got a situation in your own life as well that you've sort of been walking through, and that's really helpful.

Um, but one of the things in release that we have to talk about is, you know, how do we deal with the reality of the pain? That we are experiencing when we are sinned against, right? Because as soon as we think about that person, we're going to think about the hurt that they've caused us. Exactly. So I think one of the questions that we begin to ask ourselves is, what do we do if someone doesn't recognize that they've done anything wrong?

And the temptation and that is going to be toward bitterness. And, um, I think that's a big topic and something we should cover. Yeah. So we're talking about releasing someone and the opposite of releasing them is going to be holding bitterness or continuing to nurse a grudge against them, uh, and acting towards them in such a way that punishes them.

Yeah, and Ephesians 4 31, and really the whole heart of scripture is that we don't punish people and that we love them well, that we don't hold grudges, but that we deal rightly and lovingly when people have offended us or offended them. And so we wanna move away. And really, you think about bitterness is the antigo.

Mm-hmm. And so it's, it's really dangerous for our own hearts because of what it does to us. And then it has, the Bible says a defiling, you know, it's a root that defiles others. So, um, it's gonna be the poison pill we swallow, uh, that makes us toxic to others. And, you know, I think that the more we can recognize that this is a damaging, that this is really sin, and when we begin to relate to somebody in bitterness, then hopefully we will be motivated ourselves again to go back to the gospel and to remember that we have received forgiveness and to remember that we're going to deal with this person on the basis of truth and grace and not vengeance.

And. You know, I think it can be easy to hide bitterness even from ourselves. Have you ever thought about that or found yourself doing that? Yeah. I think one of the, someone challenged me years ago that, you know, I've, I've had a lot of physical issues and that inflammation was bitterness held in the body.

Mm-hmm. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but I think what you're saying is bitterness is going to end up affecting us more than it is the. Other person. In a lot of ways we are going, we may feel the effects in our body, but I think we also feel the effects in other relationships as we become maybe more critical or exacting with other people.

And so as we, we develop just a hardness of heart across relationships, and I think we can mask bitterness in different ways. Like we can begin to think that we are, um, holding someone to a standard or like we can. Um, pretty it up when really what we're doing is being unwilling to sit in these first two steps of release and remember, I mean, receive and remember.

Mm-hmm. And then really, um, concentrate and actively let go because it is, this is an active thing, it's not passive. Mm-hmm. And I think you bring up a really good point about the body because. You know, I think even doctors and scientists will tell us that if we hold stress mm-hmm. If we hold unforgiveness, um, that it does do damage to the body.

And that is again, a reason why we are going to need to know what does this look like to release from the heart. So Matthew 1835, Jesus says, this is how my Heavenly Father will treat you, each of you, unless you forgive your brothers or sisters from your heart. So the question we wanna answer is, what does it mean to forgive from the heart?

And it means you can release the person from personal vengeance before they ever, uh, or if they ever acknowledge the wrong that they have done. And this trips a lot of people up, including myself, because we want people, at the very least to know what they've done. Yeah. And sometimes we have to do this act of releasing before someone even is at the point where they're willing to acknowledge it.

Mm-hmm. So what does forgiving from the heart really mean? Um, and what does it not mean? I think those are some things we want to touch on. Yeah. Uh, for, I, I think it means that we fully. Feel, and we fully recognize the impact of our sin, but we're, we're choosing not to get even. So here we see that, um, we're ready.

We, it's, it's, it's us doing business within our own heart so that we are willing to receive the person if they do acknowledge their sin and become repentant. Yeah. And I really love that. So often when I'm teaching this, or even in my own life, one of the things I try to, to really think about is, um, you know, if this person repents 10 years from now mm-hmm Where will my heart be?

Will my heart be hardened? Will it be like, ugh, sorry, it's too little, too late. Um, you know, I'm, I don't wanna talk to you. I don't want anything. Will this person say that I treated them, you know, with disdain or hate or, um, in ways that were really unbecoming. And what I really wanna make sure is that in my heart, as I forgive from the heart, as I say to the Lord, like, Lord, I'm gonna choose from the heart to release this person from the debt they owe me because I'm going to trust you.

And if I do that continually, then at the point the person repents, what I wanna be able to do is they, if they come to me and say, Gosh, I realize how I've wronged you, right? And I am so sorry. And how I've sinned against the Lord will, I've asked God's forgiveness. I'm asking your forgiveness. Will you please forgive me?

Um, in most cases, and we know there are some cases that are, are a little bit more on the extreme, but where most of us are living day-to-day in relationships, we really want to be able to open our arms wide and say, yes, I have been waiting. I have been praying because part of forgiving from the heart is where we begin to do good to our neighbor by actually bringing their.

Constantly before the Lord. Now the temptation for bitterness actually becomes a prayer prompt. Oh, that's good. It becomes a way that I can say, wow, rather. Scheming in my mind of how I'm gonna get, even I'm going to begin to pray one that either God will exact justice mm-hmm. Or hopefully get my heart to a place that I can say more than justice.

I really want this person to come to repentance. Yeah. So even what's implied in what you're saying, Brenda, is again this idea that forgiveness is an event and a process because you're talking about continual. Continual release, just like remembering it, it really does go on. But when that person comes, I mean, my heart would be that my arms could fly open and I would just say I have been praying for this day and I have been longing for this day, and I have been waiting.

For you for this day, and then we can really start the next steps we're gonna, you know, talk about in terms of reconciliation and restoration. I think a great example of this is David and Saul. Mm-hmm. And, um, you know, David is just on the run from Saul, I think 10, 10 plus years. Um, and we can just see over and over and over again every time he's given an opportunity to.

Revenge. Mm-hmm. To take matters in his own hands. He really releases all to the Lord. Yeah. He continually releases, he knows his place. He trust in God's sovereignty. He doesn't try to, um, be God. Mm-hmm. You know, and so often that's what we're saying when we don't release someone and we hold onto that, um, we are really.

Standing in the place of God, you know, in our own heart, in our own minds. Um, and we have to recognize that that is costly. Like we can't act like this is just something we do gli or flippantly, because it's gonna cost us something to release someone and the impact of their sin. So at first we, again, we reflect back on what it cost.

Jesus said he went to the cross and it cost him a lot to forgive us, but it really causes us to move into this idea of, what are we talking about? Says that there's an ongoing impact of the person's sin, and we have to recognize what that impact is. Mm-hmm. So you want me to answer? Yeah. So, um, you were on a good train of thought there.

So I like to use this word picture. This has been one of the most helpful things for me to understand forgiveness. And I think even as we've developed this, we've talked about how this kind of encapsulates forgiveness for us. And that is like, forgiveness is, is actually when someone takes a knife and cuts me.

So they cut me on my hand and I, I look down, I see this wound. I don't pretend that the cut's not. I, I know that the cut is there and I recognize that the cut hurts. I don't pretend that it doesn't hurt me. And then not only that, I recognize the impact that, oh, I mean, maybe a tendon is severed from the cut.

Maybe it's that deep. And so maybe there's some short-term and long-term consequences or impact from the cut infection sets in that might be short-term or maybe it's long-term. And there's actually, uh, loss of use in my hand from the cut. But all of these things have to be recognized. We don't just put a bandage over it and pretend as if it didn't.

Been and then say, okay, now I'm ready to forgive. We actually have to look at it, examine it, we have to understand it, and we have to even understand what the ongoing, uh, consequences of that are. And then I'm ready to, um, acknowledge the offense and the impact of the offense. And then I'm ready to say, and I'm still gonna choose not to retaliate.

And Alex, as you were just describing, I mean, it's a great illustration, but what it just made me realize, as hard as that is in the natural, it's much harder in the spiritual. Yeah. Right. So I mean, we, we have to rely on the Holy Spirit. We have to rely on the Lord to have that sort of, Divine thinking. Yeah.

About being offended and the impact of an offense. And even to your point, a long-term or short-term impact that's coming from that, uh, offense because it goes against our very nature to relinquish our rights like we smack Inc. Especially as Americans, we're really. We're really steeped in the idea of individual rights and freedoms.

Mm-hmm. So when it comes to someone hurting us and maybe, um, impinging or limiting mm-hmm. Um, how we can function or, or our happiness, these things that mm-hmm. You know, become American ideals, then we really have a difficult time releasing that and, um, fully committing to not hurting the other person, not getting our pound of flesh, so to speak.

Mm-hmm. Well, I have a few confessions I'm gonna make. All right. Um, and, uh, you know, just to, to have an idea of how out of whack we can really get when we're offended. Um, and the extreme posturing we can take that is so yucky. But I can just remember, I have this vivid picture of being a mom with three little children, and I don't know, you know, I hate to hate all my husband here, but this is just the example.

He, he could give you an example of me easily, but, um, I don't know what had gone on, but clearly whatever he had done, um, was probably sinful against me. And there was selfishness in it. I'm sure. And I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure there was sinful, there was selfishness in it along with, you know, just the busyness and hecticness of life.

But, um, I had a very bad habit early in my marriage of really just avoiding, mm-hmm. Any kind of conflict or confrontation, and so I would just continue to just sort of take it on and take it on, and take it on and take it on. Well, you know, we're gonna talk next episode about when to overlook an offense and when to confront and when you can't overlook, you should go, you should go have a conversation about it.

But I wasn't good at that, and so I would just continue to absorb, absorb, absorb. And not released to the Lord, because that's the real key. Like the only way I'm gonna be able to absorb this offense is if I'm not going to confront somebody is I'm gonna have to take it to the Lord over and over again.

But I begin to get angry and angry and just nurse, nurse that grudge over and over and over. And one day Paul left and I'll just never forget, this is a horrible confession to make, but I was washing dishes at my kitchen table just thinking, Lord, if you just take him. I will be fine without him. I can just do this, you know, I can do my house and my children.

Without him, I do not need him. Mm-hmm. And, um, you know, but I just think about how quickly, like, my heart went to murder. Murder. Let's follow what he did. Glad you said it. I didn't wanna say it, but it did. Over this man, this husband I love, you know. And, um, it's such a good point. Someone you really love, someone I really love, but just allowing and not releasing to the Lord and then not even ever going to him to have conversations that needed to be had.

So, you know, the point is just if I'm gonna rehearse that bitterness, and here's the thing about bitterness. Bitterness has great memory. Mm-hmm. Because we are remembering the wrong thing. Right. You know, we've talked about what we need to remember. I'm just rehearsing over and over and over again and I can know exactly where we were and what he was wearing and how he was standing.

And you know how I had my hands on my hip? Like I can play, I'm playing a movie in my mind, but I'm playing it over and over and over again with no resolution with him. Mm-hmm. And no real releasing to the Lord. Mm-hmm. And that produced murderous thoughts in. In my heart. And so anyway, we'll talk next episode about how the Lord, you know, taught me to, to deal much better with my bitterness.

Mm-hmm. Um, but the other thing I'm thinking about is a time where there was a friend who offended me. And the, and the offense was actually rather minor, Alex, it was something she had done. It was kind of one of these things that it, she was keeping me from a goal, but what she had done was not right. It was something I really wanted, she had gotten in the way, the way she got in the way was sinful.

Mm-hmm. But she was blocking a goal I had. Mm-hmm. And I just remember, I'm not kidding when I say for two years, every day that I got up and my feet hit the floor, it was the first thing on my mind. Wow. Mm-hmm. And it, it really tortured me. Mm-hmm. I was like, Lord, am I, I even remember going and talking to a friend, like, am I ever gonna get over this?

Mm-hmm. Like, the offense is not even. I mean, there are so many, there are so many things to be upset about. For two years seemed be out of proportion to these. It was so out of proportion, but I just felt like I could not release. Mm-hmm. I could not release the situation. I could not entrust myself to the Lord.

Um, I, I wasn't posturing myself in, in a good place at all to receive her if she ever mm-hmm. Um, acknowledged it. And in fact she, she never did acknowledge it. Right. You know, I eventually did have to get to the point, but I think somewhere after two years of wrestling, and that's really what I wanna say, is that so often.

It's a process. It's an event and a process because so often, and it, and it could be a small offense or it could be a really big offense. True, but it's a wrestling down of our hearts. Mm-hmm. It's a wrestling down of our hearts of going back to that God defines what sin is. God defines what forgiveness is.

God sets the standard here. I need to remember what God has done for me and I need to be a conduit and I need to bend that down to other people. And so, Yeah, I just think that it's going to oftentimes require that wrestling. But that's so sweet because I think that's where we quit relying on ourselves.

We lay down our dreams, we lay down our rights, you know, we lay it all down at the feet of Jesus, and we really begin to depend on the Holy Spirit, to do the supernatural work that only he can do, allow us to release it and truly leave it in the father's hands. And I think about, You know, just kind of the world's way, if you will, of dealing with forgiveness is kinda like they're gonna release, but to whom?

Or to what, right. When, if you're just kind of, where does the hurt go? Yeah. Where does the hurt go? If I'm just like, well, I'm just gonna get over this. It's like, but who's gonna help me get over it? And who's gonna actually. Be, uh, you know, defend me and, and work on my behalf in this situation. And so I just, you know, the, the biblical Christian idea of forgiveness is so beautiful because it's so rich and so robust, right?

And, um, and it's something that, you know, the world doesn't have to offer. Right? That's why I really like you emphasizing how long it took you, even for a minor offense. Two years is a long time. It's a long time. But in Christian circles, we don't really. The robustness of this doctrine or this teaching of forgiveness.

And so we rush people to forgive very quickly, I think, because it makes us more comfortable, you know? And we do wanna be in line with scripture like, you won't be forgiven if you haven't forgive. And we kind of misapply that scripture there. Mm-hmm. And say that we lit are literally like our salvation depends on whether we forgive, which we know is not true, but we rush people into a place of forgiveness before they are really.

Fully aware of the impact on them. And then it's a really shallow forgiveness that I think leaves people feeling hollow and complete and really, um, shameful. They feel ashamed of the fact that they're not able to get over it. Like, I forget, I, I said I forgave 'em, so I have, I did it, so why am I still struggling with this?

And oftentimes what I find with people is because they really weren't given the time or the space to really acknowledge the impact of the hurt and. Um, and, and they were rushed to make this commitment to forgiveness and they weren't taught that there's gonna be an ongoing process here of working this out before the Lord.

And I loved, as you said at the very beginning of taking that, um, temptation to bitterness as a prompt to prayer. Mm-hmm. And recognizing that I'm just continuing to wrestle in my own heart before the Lord. Yeah. Well, let's talk about just some practical applications of, um, maybe somebody's been listening to us and they've got that person in their mind.

They're a Christian and they've received the forgiveness of the Lord. They know that, um, they understand that forgiveness needs to be. Against an actual sinful offense. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Not just, well, we've, you know, gotten our feelings hurt or like we said, an issue of wisdom or conscience or those sort of things.

Um, maybe they've even begun to practice daily confession and, uh, being mindful to go to other people more quickly if they've sinn against them, and really, really developing some gratitude and humility as they move forward. Um, and now they're to this place where it's like, okay, I have to release. Mm-hmm.

I have to, um, begin to. Go against my natural inclination to nurse this grudge and to allow the Lord to have full reign of my heart and my mind, and full reign of the situation. Mm-hmm. Um, and trust him because I think at the, at the end of the day, releasing is really about trust. Mm-hmm. Are we going to trust him with our hearts and with our situation and with other people?

Yeah. And so that what you said about, um, where do we take our hurt? We're really, we're really saying that one of the ways that we trust the Lord is that we take our hurt to him. Yes. And we are willing to lament before him. So we go back to your example about David and Saul. I mean, David produced some beautiful lament Psalms mm-hmm.

Around the idea of Saul, his friend, his brother pursuing him, wanting to kill him, and they're beautiful. Examples of crying out to the Lord, expressing the hurt in rawness real. Mm-hmm. Rawness of what that experience was like. And so one of the ways that we, uh, trust the Lord is that we lament to him and then we also find trusted friends who we can lament to.

Mm-hmm. Who are safe enough to understand that, um, we're working through. Forgiveness that we're committed to it and yet, and yet we do need a place to work through and process through what the hurt is. Mm-hmm. And what the impact of the offense. And I was even thinking with my friend, cuz the David and Saul Dynamic teaches us two things.

You've got David who doesn't retaliate when he is clearly being sinned against, but then you've got Saul who's trying to kill David, but he hasn't been sinned against. Mm-hmm. He's been offended. Yeah. And he doesn't like the situation he's in. And I found in this one situation with my friend, I think sort of what I had to sort out, and it took me a while, is what part was just, I was offended.

Yeah. And it was actually my own sinin idolatry because she was blocking a goal. I had. Versus what part of that did she actually sin against me? Yeah. And again, I hear the element of time in there, like I'm gonna keep bringing it up because I think it's important. Like we, we do need to be continually receiving God's forgiveness and remembering that needs to be all almost continual.

But this releasing is going to take time to separate out these things to to untangle. See what things do I need to take responsibility Yes. For in this situation. And what things do I need to push that responsibility off to the other and then begin to release them from the offense. Mm-hmm. And that's very difficult.

My mind goes now to, it's especially difficult when we are talking about abuse. Or severe trauma that's caused by others. Like we're talking about what we call the capital T trauma, that there is, um, there's just particular difficulty when the impact is so deep. Mm-hmm. And so ongoing, I mean, Ongoing, maybe to the point of till Jesus comes, right, I'm going to wrestle with the impact of another's sin against me.

Mm-hmm. And so again, we have to be so careful when we sit with others that we don't glibly give them instruction to forgive before we've really sat with them in the complexity of their situation and the complexity of the ongoing effects of when they've been traumatized. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I think. One thing we know is that we certainly don't want them to become bitter.

Mm-hmm. Because bitterness is bondage. Mm-hmm. And releasing is freedom. But you know, it's being a freedom fighter is costly. Right. You know, and it costs Jesus everything for us to have freedom and, um, I think that, One of the things I've noticed sometimes is if somebody gives into bitterness, then the person who's even sinned against them, whether the sin is small or large, will, they can actually still be bitter and staying in that bitterness once the person is gone.

Mm-hmm. And so to your point, we, we wanna encourage people to come and release. And I think when people have been through so much trauma, that release is just lament, lament, lament. There's just so much. Loss and what's grieved and you know, what has happened to the person. Um, and there is something that God does in that because he sends his comfort in a way that no man can.

Mm-hmm. It, it is supernatural. I mean, we talk to people all the time who have been through horrific traumas. Mm-hmm. And how is it that they are not just wanting to, you know, immediately go and strangle the person who has hurt them? I mean, the only way is that they. Sat with the Lord, wrestled with the Lord, lamented and cried out to the Lord, and they have deeply received the comfort of the Lord.

And sometimes I think we become agents in that. I'm thinking about our friend Sherry, who does a lot of trauma and abuse counseling. And one of the things that she, I've heard her say so often is to really sit with someone, as we said before, as a Saint center and a sufferer as they, as they talk through past harm and abuse, is to recognize that.

They've probably sinned as ongoing effects of that abuse and they've been grievously, sinned against. Mm-hmm. And so to be able to sit with them and mourn and grieve what's been done to them and what they have done in such a way that, um, allows them to know that you understand that there is sin that's born out of suffering.

Mm. And that she, she uses a phrase of like, of course she responded that way. Of course she did. And that was really that you, you've been abused in such a deep way that you responded with this. Sinful action, attitude even. But in doing that, that we call that normalizing. In doing that, we're not excusing, we're just saying we're human.

We, um, when we're hurt deeply, we respond out of that and we make a space, I think at that point for the person to really say, yeah, but now I'm gonna have to deal with my own heart. Mm-hmm. Like, mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I like that we don't, um, minimize sin, but we can normal. Sometimes that, you know, there's a big, we understand there's, yeah.

There's a big difference there between minimizing it and normalizing it. Of just recognizing like, if I had walked in your shoes, I probably would've done the same thing. Mm-hmm. Right? And I can still say to you, and so we're still gonna try to work through this and move towards releasing the person. Yeah.

Another thing I was just thinking about is if you don't take the time in releasing to wrestle through what's my responsibility and what's your responsibility, then when we get to the next part where we're actually gonna go have a conversation with someone mm-hmm. Then that becomes, can be very much an explosion.

Yeah. I've just harbored all of these feelings and all of these thoughts. I've not taken the time to wrestle. I've not released, I've not done the work of remembering what my own sin was and contribution was and bringing that before the Lord, and then also looking at like what your contribution is, but I'm not bitter towards you.

Like I'm seeing this going to see this as a restorative process and a rescue mission, not as a way even in the confrontation to get even. Right. That's good. Which is a lot of times, you know what happens. Mm-hmm. Um, Slow to speak, quick to listen slow, to be angry. Like I think here is where the work ahead of time before we go and speak to someone.

This is where that work is done. Like I'm going to be able to parse out those parts and as a Saint Sufferer Center, be able to deal with my own stuff with the Lord and that I'm gonna be ready to go have a conversation. Yeah, I was thinking that, Brenda, that I wondered if you had that tool when you were in that situation where someone was blocking your.

No, I not, yeah. If I'm thinking of this story, I don't, I don't think you did, but would be, would've been interesting to take younger Brenda through the process of. Saint sufferer sin with that. Like Brenda, what do you know is true in Christ, Brenda? What in this is suffering? Like your goals have been blocked.

Mm-hmm. Like you're not realizing something that you really would love. And there is a place to mourn that and grieve that and allow you to journal through what that suffering feels like. But then also, okay, Brenda, what do you need to take responsibility for? Mm-hmm. That you're harbor bringing against this other person?

So Saints, our first center does become a great journal exercise. P applying it to forgiveness. Mm-hmm. And not holding bitterness because it does help untangle what we're talking about. Mm-hmm. Like what, what do I need to own and what do I need to let the other person own, and what do I have to release even while I ask them to own that?

Yeah, that's really good. I, I think that maybe that's why it took me two years is I didn't really have a way to process it and God and his goodness allowed me over the course of two years and it did continually send me back to the cross. Mm-hmm. And it continually made me humble every day. Um, I think if I had had better, Understanding.

Um, maybe I wouldn't have been so frustrated along the way, but isn't this so good to know that God's even sovereign over our, even over our sin Yeah. And over our, you know, messy way back to repentance. Mm-hmm. And back to right. Re relationship with him and with others. And so that's really encouraging. Um, you know, one of the things we had talked about too, in terms of releases when we're looking at the past mm-hmm.

And, uh, I know you heard this great quote, I'm not gonna steal it from you. Yeah. So I was listening to, uh, Netflix interview, uh, just in the last couple of days with Viola Davis, who's an actress in the Help, if you remember her. She's an incredible actress. Yeah. And Oprah is doing this interview with her, and she's, she's talking about her new book.

It's just autobiography, and she's just talking about. The severe poverty she grew up in, the abuse that she experienced and how, basically how she had to walk through the process of forgiveness. Mm-hmm. I don't know if Ola Davis is a believer, but so much of what she said just coincided with what we're talking about.

But she sent this beautiful quote when looking at her past, she, she talked about Anne Lamont saying that forgiveness is giving up The hope that I. Had a better past. Mm-hmm. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that I could have had a better past. So when I think about sitting with people who do have traumatic stories, that there's a place to sit with someone and let them mourn and lament that they didn't have a better father.

That they didn't have a better mother, that they didn't have a better, uh, socioeconomic situation like Viola Davis was talking about. So all these things, and we're giving up the hope that, because we would love to look back and think, oh, maybe I can look back and, and it really wasn't that bad. Mm-hmm. Or it really wasn't a.

Um, it really wasn't that wounding. Mm-hmm. Um, it really wasn't that awful. And yet what we're doing is we are, we're releasing that hope, and to your point, we're even entrusting that hope mm-hmm. To the Lord. Mm-hmm. Right. And we're saying like, you're sovereign in this and I'm gonna trust that you're, you're working your purposes in this.

Mm-hmm. Even though I would like to rewrite the entire story. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I think just as we're dealing in our own marriages and with our own children, I mean, I can look back at my marriage and my parent. And there are things I wish I had done differently. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I would write a different script in certain areas.

Mm-hmm. And I was meeting with a wife not too long ago and um, she was really just struggling with some of the past things with her husband, and she was like, you know, Brenda, how have you dealt with this? Because all of us have. Places in relationships and let's say in marriage, you know, where you might ask your spouse to do something or change in a certain way and it doesn't get changed or they don't do it and you are having to be so forbearance, you know, having that patient self-control, that long suffering this.

But what do you do when you've been married 30 years and then that person comes to you and says, wow, we should have done it your way. Besides wanna slap him. Really? What do I know? Or what should, but it was a good question cuz she was like, you know what I mean? How did you get to the point that you're like, okay with that, did you just wanna slap, you know, slap him?

Mm-hmm. And the reality is, is I think when you practice this releasing before the Lord and when you were able to release the hopes of your past to say, you know what I would've liked for it to been different, I would've liked for this person to have been clued in earlier. But I really do trust that God is sovereign.

And even though it didn't work out, you know, for many, many years, it took a long time to change in a certain area or things didn't go the way I wanted to. I really believe that it's exactly the way that God would have it because he was working in ways and in people that I can't even see and won't even know until eternity.

So again, it's sort of that idea of like if we're just releasing to the wind, Mm-hmm. That sucks. Mm-hmm. Sucks. Yeah. It's coming back usually. Yeah. But if we're releasing to the Lord, it just changes. It just changes the whole paradigm. Yeah. And I, again, I just wanna say what a blessing and what a gift time is here, because time is.

What allows us time to have space to sift through these things and to, and to release them, maybe even impact by impact, by impact of, of even one single offense. And so, um, we're trying to receive, we're trying to remember, and we're endeavoring to keep releasing the person from, um, the hurt that they've caused us and not returning that hurt.

And so these all have been, um, I would say like inward. Mm. In inside of ourselves activities. And so next episode we're gonna talk about what may be a little bit more outward, and that's where we choose to either overlook the offense and it stays inward, or we choose to move into the relationship and confront, and that becomes a little bit more outward action.

Now we're actually getting involved with the person. So talk about the complexities of that. And I think it's really, I know we've spent a lot of time, three episodes prepping mm-hmm. Our hearts before we're going to go have a conversation Yeah. Or choose not to have that conversation. Mm-hmm. And I think you said something about time, but we have to create time, Alex.

Mm-hmm. Uh, we would both say that one of the greatest hindrances to Christian growth and to um, just peace with one another is having the margin. Mm-hmm. Having time to actually. Receive, remember, release, and then prepare ourselves to go have these conversations. Because if not, we're gonna tend to be very reactionary.

We're gonna tend to go in the flesh. We're going to forget how much we've been forgiven. Mm-hmm. You know, we're not gonna go with gratitude and humility. Uh, we're gonna be tempted to go with a bitter heart mm-hmm. And a hardened heart to get even, or to say our peace. And those are the very things we're trying to avoid because at the end of the day, um, you know, we're called to be peacemakers.

God has called us to, um, be peacemakers in the way he's a peacemaker, and to help our brothers and sisters become more like Christ. And this. Next session that we're gonna get into really has a lot to do with walking alongside one another so that we can be more like Christ for the glory of God and the world can see.

Mm-hmm. You know, there's conflict. With Christians and non-Christians. Yeah. But how we respond to conflict and how we respond to difficulty in damaging and destructive situations should look different and can look differently. But it's gonna take time and it's gonna take intentionality. That's good.